Over the past couple of months it has been a bit more challenging for me to keep up with the newsletter. That’s because a few months ago I decided to become a student again. I decided to spend this next year studying counselling. So for the next year I’ll be doing a lot of reading, writing, and offering counselling sessions. Counselling has been a part of my work for more than three decades now but I wanted to deepen some of my learning and focus so I decided to be a student again. Given that I am doing so much writing in this program, I decided to share a little on a topic that feels very relevant to the work I have been doing for decades. The writing was in response to an essay written by Rachel Remen, entitled: Helping, Fixing, or Serving? I resonated with their essay as I felt that the ideas very much reflected my own thoughts and practices. I hope you enjoy reading.
When I was a young man I had a regular practice of meditating on the question, “how can I serve”. Not how can I fix, or how can I help, but how can I serve. From an early age I had an understanding that the purpose of my life was to discover my unique gifts – my souls calling – and find a way to put that into action. For all of my working life I have held this perspective, and especially over the last twenty years working in community acupuncture. Working in my clinic, tending to all manner of difficulties, ailments, and loss, I have really come to see the difference between fixing/helping, and serving.
In acupuncture school I was mostly trained to help and fix. Much like a western medical doctor’s approach I was trained with specific skills that I could offer my clients, once a diagnosis was established. This act of helping or fixing implied that something was broken, weak, and in need of fixing. This approach, while of course helpful, even essential, does create an image of our clients as broken, unwell, and in need of repair. This practice tends to create a de-humanization, where we see the problem rather than the person.
On the other hand serving is a practice that involves seeing the person as a whole – there is no separation between the person and the “problem”. In the practice of service we are treating the person not the disease. In my practice I have always recognized that I am treating this whole person. I don’t see a person as a collection of symptoms. Of course I have a desire to aid the person, to hopefully help relieve them of their suffering, but I am also interested in treating the whole person – in caring for them. Outside of, “what brings you here?”, I am also interested in who you are, and what your unique needs might be in terms of care.
One other basic practice I have always practiced is to think well of a person – to see each person’s spirit or wholeness. This practice holds that within each person there is a beautiful living soul that has unique purpose, expression, and offerings. Part of thinking well is to strive to see this aspect of a person despite whatever might be obscuring that in terms of their behaviours, attitudes, and symptoms. This mirroring, I believe, helps the person to see this within themselves as well – to be seen as it were.
The practice of serving versus fixing means that I never grow weary of my work. On the contrary it fills me with joy each day I am in my clinic serving and caring for my clients. You often hear tales of burnout from folks who care for others, but I believe this is often due to the fact that they are taking the approach of helping someone who is weaker, or fixing something that is broken. This practice is exhausting and can sometimes feel draining. Service on the other hand reflects a quality of working together towards a shared goal – a collaboration between yourself and the persons you are serving. This practice also implies that a person’s healing is not my responsibility. I am someone who facilitates, along with acupuncture, a process of healing, self discovery, and hopefully greater self awareness.
As an example, last week I had a new person visit the clinic with a fairly complex health history. They had numerous health concerns and were on numerous medications. I could also see that they were somewhat nervous and anxious to meet me and consent to care. Based on my training I could have taken the approach of diving deep into each of their various illnesses and symptoms, carefully examining and diagnosing their case. Instead I first took the approach of connection, ensuring that they felt safe, listened to, and cared for. My goal was simply to create a positive connection, and to provide them with a positive experience, I also reminded them that they were in charge of the session. The following week upon their return, they expressed to me that they had felt a profound shift immediately following the session, that reverberated and was felt for several days. Obviously such an experience is not always so easily obtainable, but regardless, my goal is first and foremost to create a moment of connection and care.
As I begin to also offer care as a counsellor I feel that my approach will largely be the same. Holding a high regard for each person, trusting in their ability to make their own best choices. My role will be to create a relationship of care – to be an ally that supports them to become their full self, in whatever way they feel called. My job won’t be to help or fix their problems, but rather to help provide a process where they can feel supported in doing so themselves.
As Dr. Remen writes in her essay, “service rests on the premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery which has an unknown purpose.” I believe this perspective is fundamental to counselling practice. As counsellors we must be willing and able to sit in this mystery, sometimes discomfort even, trusting in our client’s process of learning, growth, and self discovery. “We serve life not because it is broken, but because it is Holy.”